Funny Quotes and Sayings With Pictures for Businesses
Your friends and family deserve to laugh. You don't want to take life too seriously all the time. You need to have fun every once in a while, too. Here are some funny phrases that are going to make you laugh out loud:
Best Funny Phrases To Say
Here are some hilarious jokes you're going to love to hear. Make sure to share them with your family and friends!
I made a huge to-do list today. I just need to figure out who's going to do it.
My wallet is like an onion. Every time I open it, it makes me cry.
9 out of 10 voices in my head say that I'm crazy. The tenth is humming.
Alcohol! Because no great story started with someone eating a salad.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
All my life I thought air was for free. That was until I bought a bag of chips.
Good thing Noah took those two coffee beans on board.
A diamond is just a lump of coal that did well under pressure.
When people tell me, "You're going to regret that in the morning," I sleep until noon because I'm a problem solver.
Whatever you're doing, always give 100 percent. Unless you're donating blood.
The best part of going to work is coming home at the end of the day.
You know what they say—dynamite comes in small packages.
I'm on a seafood diet. I see food, and then I eat it.
I finally found a machine at the gym that I like: the vending machine!
Know the difference between your opinion and a pizza? I asked for a pizza.
Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.
I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.
Cancel my subscription—I don't need your issues.
Heaven won't take me and hell's afraid I'll take over.
Birthdays are good for you. Studies show that people who have the most of them live the longest.
I get enough exercise from pushing my luck.
Want to know what it's like to have the best kid in the world? You'll have to ask Grandma and Grandpa.
I always say "Morning" instead of "Good morning"—if it were a good morning, I'd still be sleeping and not talking to people!
I don't need a hairstylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off of it!
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
I'm sorry, I have to go. You're boring me to death and my survival instincts are kicking in.
Funny Phrases For Kids
Children are going to love these funny phrases. They'll get plenty of laughs, so don't hold back the humor!
My brain has too many tabs open.
I'm not lazy. I'm just very relaxed.
Why am I sick now? It's not a school day. That virus needs a calendar.
I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my own food. I have no idea where sandwiches live.
If you're not supposed to eat at night, then why is there a light bulb in the fridge?
It's okay if you don't like me. Not everyone has good taste.
My bed and I are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.
Dear math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Life is a bowl of soup, and I'm a fork.
Come over to the dark side…we've got candy.
Don't worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
It was fun being famous on my birthday.
Why be moody when you can shake your booty?!
Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
Somebody said today that I'm lazy. I nearly answered him.
A bag of money can be a symbol not only of wealth, but also of tremendous inflation.
I'm jealous of my parents. I'll never have a kid as cool as theirs, one who is smart, has devilishly good looks, and knows all sorts of funny sayings.
Funny Phrases To Say Backwards
Here are some funny palindromes. You can say them exactly the same way forward and backward!
A nut for a jar of tuna.
Was it a car or a cat I saw?
Madam, in Eden, I'm Adam.
Yo, banana boy!
King, are you glad you are king?
Al lets Della call Ed "Stella."
Ed, I saw Harpo Marx ram Oprah W. aside.
Are we not pure? "No, sir!" Panama's moody Noriega brags. "It is garbage!" Irony dooms a man—a prisoner up to new era.
UFO tofu?
Taco cat
Murder for a jar of red rum.
Oozy rat in a sanitary zoo.
Borrow or rob?
Amore, Roma.
Funny Phrases In Spanish
It's important to learn new languages. Whether you know some Spanish or are a brand new speaker, here are some phrases to memorize:
No saber ni papa de algo. Literal translation: Not knowing a potato about something.
Tomar el pelo. Literal translation: To take someone else's hair.
Ponerse las pilas. Literal translation: To put in the batteries.
Irse por las ramas. Literal translation: To go through the branches.
Burro hablando de orejas. Literal translation: A donkey talking about ears.
Aunque la mona se vista de seda, mona se queda. Literal translation: Although the monkey is dressed in silk, monkey remains.
Sacar los trapos al sol. Literal translation: To take the rags out in the sun.
Ser uña y mugre. Literal translation: To be nail and grime.
Camarón que se duerme se lo lleva la corriente. Literal translation: The shrimp who falls asleep is washed away by the flow.
Feliz como una lombriz. Literal translation: Happy as a worm.
Hacer su agosto. Literal translation: To make your August.
Creerse la última Coca-Cola del desierto. Literal translation: To think of oneself as the last coca-cola in the desert.
Crear / criar fama y echarse a dormir. Literal translation: To create/raise fame and lay down to sleep.
¡Que pedo! Literal translation: What fart!
Meter la pata. Literal translation: To put in the paw.
Mejor malo conocido que bueno por conocer. Literal translation: It is better a well-known bad guy, than a good one you're about to know.
Dar (la) lata. Literal meaning: To give the can.
Tirar / echar los perros a alguien. Literal meaning: To throw the dogs at somebody.
Echarse al agua. Literal translation: To get in the water.
Hablando del Rey de Roma… Literal translation: Speaking of the King of Rome.
Ser pan comido. Literal translation: To be eaten bread.
Tener mala leche. Literal translation: To have bad milk.
Tirar/Botar la casa por la ventana. Literal translation: To throw the house out of the window.
Estar vivito y coleando. Literal translation: To be alive and kicking.
No tener pelos en la lengua. Literal translation: To not having hair on the tongue.
Estar loco como una cabra. Literal meaning: To be as crazy as a goat.
Funny Phrases To Use As Insults
If you're going to insult someone, you might as well make your comments funny. That way, it'll sting a little less. Here are a few fun ideas you can borrow:
In the immortal words of Taylor Swift, I'm going to shake you off.
I used to think that you were a pain in the neck. My opinion of you has dropped significantly lower since then.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Sorry I'm late. I didn't want to come.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an opponent so clearly unarmed.
After millions of years of evolution, you're kind of a disappointment.
I would like to apologize to anyone whom I haven't offended yet. Please be patient, I will get to you shortly.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
A jellyfish has existed as a species for 500 million years, surviving just fine without a brain. That gives hope to quite a few people.
With a face like yours, you have a good chance in a lawsuit against your parents.
There was a time when I would have given myself to you, now I'm not even willing to throw up in your direction.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I've forgotten more than you ever knew.
Please cancel my subscription. I don't have time for your issues.
It's alright if we don't agree. I can't force you to be right.
Funny Life Sayings To Remember
Sometimes, the funniest statements have some truth in them. Even though these phrases are lighthearted, they're also strangely motivational:
Hard work pays off in the future. Lounging on the couch pays off right now.
The only scenario where you really need a landline today is when you're trying to find your cell phone.
Hearing voices in your head is normal. Listening to them is quite common. Arguing with them – acceptable. It is only when you lose that argument that you get in real trouble.
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it. But it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
"Move it or lose it" just means "move." But what will you lose if you don't move? A shoe? Your wallet? Your pride? No one really knows.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
How many times must I flush before you finally go away?
I speak fluent ironic with a solid sarcastic accent.
The first five days after the weekend are the toughest.
I am in touch with my motivation. I saw it going by this morning, waving at me and winking.
If a man said he'll fix it, he'll fix it. There is no need to nag him every 6 months about it.
I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side and my legs for always supporting me.
Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done.
Any of us has the capacity to light up a room. Some when they enter, others when they leave it.
Every rule has an exception. This rule is no exception.
Hilarious Phrases You Can Use Anytime
The best way to make friends is by telling jokes. Use these to break the ice with someone new!
The perfect man doesn't swear, doesn't smoke, doesn't get angry, doesn't drink. He also doesn't exist.
They say don't try this at home… so I went to my friend's home!
My bed is a magical place I suddenly remember everything I had to do.
Never ask a starfish for directions.
A true optimist is the guy who falls off a skyscraper and after 50 floors thinks to himself – well, so far so good!
Remember: Don't insult the alligator until you cross the river.
Some days you're the bird. Some days you're the statue.
Whoever said, "Out of sight, out of mind" never had a spider disappear in their bedroom.
I put the 'pro' in 'procrastinate.'
It's okay if you don't like me. Not everyone has good taste.
We can't all be princesses. Someone has to wave when I roll by.
A balanced diet is a cupcake in each hand.
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need an expert opinion.
Hilarious Phrases To Share With Friends
Use these phrases to cheer up your friends when they're feeling down. Get them laughing again!
The road to success is always under construction.
They say money doesn't bring you happiness. Still, it is better to verify things for yourself.
Whether a gesture's charming or alarming depends on how it's received.
Wine + dinner = winner.
Your bank account can always be overdrawn. It'll never be overfilled.
Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale's mating call.
If there was an award for being lazy, I would send someone to pick it up for me.
Think nothing is impossible? Try slamming a revolving door.
Smile like a monkey with a new banana.
I'm not sleeping, I'm resting my eyelids.
It might look like I'm doing nothing. But, in my head, I'm quite busy.
No one notices how hard you work until you stop working.
My wallet is like an onion. Every time I open it, it makes me cry.
The right to have an opinion heard doesn't come with the right to be taken seriously.
Hilarious Phrases To Make You Laugh Aloud
You deserve to laugh. If you haven't even smiled yet today, read through these hilarious sayings:
The shortest horror story: Monday.
The snorers are always the ones to fall asleep first.
There is no lousy weather, only lousy choice of clothing.
Friday, my second favorite F word.
They say: Do what you love and the money will come to you. Just ordered pizza, now I am waiting…
They say the best things take time. That's why I'm late.
People say 'Go big or go home' like going home is a bad thing.
An idea is only stupid if it doesn't work.
Common sense is like deodorant. Those who need it most never use it.
Life is like a bowl of soup and I'm a fork.
I'm cooler than the other side of the pillow.
Is it me or is everyone else coo coo for Coco Puffs?
Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining.
Hilarious Phrases You'll Never Forget
Jokes are meant to be shared. So make sure you repeat these funny comments to everyone you know!
When all else fails, lower your standards.
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs harder.
God created the world, everything else is made in China.
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
When I was your age, I was psyched to get new markers.
Vegetarian: Another word for BAD HUNTER!
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
I'm not clumsy. The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Hilarious Sayings For Children And Adults
There's no better sound than the sound of laughter. That's why you need to post these lines on social media ASAP!
Be a cupcake in a world of muffins.
My childhood punishments have become my adult goals.
I stopped fighting my inner demons, we're on the same side now.
Never judge a book by its movie.
There are days when you just want to envelop everybody with light and warmth… preferably through the use of a flamethrower.
The true nature of a human being clearly shows when the supermarket opens a second checkout lane.
I stopped understanding math when the alphabet got involved.
Don't vacuum and listen to loud music on your headphones at the same time. I finished three rooms until I realized the vacuum wasn't even on.
There's no 'I' in team, but there is in 'win.'
Stupidity knows no boundaries, but it knows a lot of people.
"Stressed" is just "desserts" spelled backwards.
I'm jealous of my parents. I'll never have a kid as cool as them.
I wouldn't exactly say I'm lazy, but it's a good thing that breathing is a reflex.
Funny Phrases That Will Encourage You
These funny phrases are surprisingly inspirational. You might want to hang them up in your office to motivate yourself.
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Whenever I'm sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.
I had loads to do today. Ah well, so now I have loads to do tomorrow.
He who wakes up early, yawns all day long.
Change is inevitable, except from a parking meter.
Children in the backseat cause accidents, accidents in the backseat cause children!
I would like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for me when I needed it.
I'm not lazy. I'm just highly motivated to do nothing.
I'm never late. The others are just too early!
As long as cocoa beans grow on trees, chocolate is fruit to me.
The Best Sayings On The Internet
Become the life of the party! The next time you talk to your family or friends, share these hilarious phrases with them:
When life hands you lemons, make lemonade, find the person that life handed vodka to, and have a party.
If Barbie is so popular then why do we buy her friends and boyfriends?
You don't know what you have until it's gone. For example, toilet paper.
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change.
Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Those who criticize our generation seem to forget who raised it!
Before my first cup of coffee, I hate everybody. That doesn't change after I've had that coffee, but it feels much better.
Confessions may be great for your soul, but they are bad for your reputation.
They say crime doesn't pay. So does my current job make me a criminal?
They say good, honest work never did anybody any harm, but I don't want even the slightest risk.
More Sayings To Share With Someone Special
Not done laughing yet? Then read through some more amazing jokes and sayings:
Silence is golden. Unless you have kids. Then it's suspicious.
I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. I am perfect.
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
Chocolate doesn't ask any questions. Chocolate simply understands.
I am an example to others. A bad example.
There's no "we" in fries.
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