Should I Never Say Good to Know You
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We've all washed it…unintentionally offended someone with our seemingly innocent question or comment. Over the years, I have discovered many things Non to say. As a very curious and fairly awkward person, I have learned many of these lessons the hard way. It's non that I'g a jerk; I only didn't know any meliorate. Wouldn't it have been nice if I had known what non to say, so I didn't have to embarrass myself and hurt other people along the fashion? That's why I've compiled this list of 35 things not to say, even if you mean well.
Avert saying these rude things! (Photo credit: creatista, Depositphotos.com)
I'thou using the word "they" throughout this story to mean he or she because it'due south more all-encompassing.
What Not to Say Well-nigh How People Wait
one. What'due south wrong with you?
Why: My friend, Cory from Curb Free with Cory Lee, uses a wheelchair and this is the question he finds most annoying. I can't imagine anyone would like to be asked, "What's wrong with y'all?" — no matter the intention.
What to say instead: "What disability do you accept?" Obviously, this should not be anywhere most the commencement thing you lot inquire a person, either. Some other tip: don't crouch down to talk to someone in a wheelchair considering it can seem like you're treating the wheelchair user like a kid. If needed due to a noisy environment, bend instead.
No i wants to be asked, "What's wrong with yous?" Photograph credit: AllaSerebrina, Depositphotos.com)
2. Where are you from? No, where are you Actually from?
Why: Often, this question is asked to people of color in the U.S. and information technology implies that only white people tin can exist Americans.
What to say instead: "What is your family heritage?" Even so, this may be taken as an insult. As a travel nut, I admit I have often asked people of diverse ethnicities (including Caucasian) about their heritage to spur a discussion about our global community. To be on the rubber side, however, I now avoid asking this question until I get to know the person fairly well.
Americans come up in all shades (Photo credit: Syda_Productions, Depositphotos.com)
3. Is that your existent centre colour (or hair colour)?
Why: I had a friend in loftier school who had gorgeous strawberry blond hair and hit bright light-green eyes. Non simply did people ask her if these features were real, but too, they would so accuse her of lying! Some people fifty-fifty asked her to move her contact lenses with her finger to prove that her eye colour was natural. People practise not need to defend their looks. Also, if someone's heart or hair color is not natural (or they're wearing extensions or a wig), then this comes across equally an insult — like you're "outing" them. Worse all the same would exist asking if someone'southward teeth or boobs are real. Yikes.
What to say instead: "You take such beautiful eyes (or hair)!"
Compliment beautiful features but don't enquire if they're real (Photo credit: duskbabe, Depositphotos.com)
4. Tin I touch your (or your child's) hair?
Why: This one I must admit I've done many times, unfortunately. I absolutely beloved whorl or thick, silky pilus since mine is sparse and bone-direct. When I was in my teens and 20s, I often played with the hair of friends or acquaintances blest with a gorgeous set up of locks. Although I don't call up I have always said this to a black person, I have since learned this question is quite offensive to people of color. It makes people experience "other" and as though you lot are treating them and their hair like an object. Plus, some people don't like others touching them, especially individuals they don't know very well. This is especially truthful for parents — don't make a mama or daddy feel defensive past trying to bear on their child'southward hair!
What to say instead: "You have cute pilus!"
Yes, her hair is cute. No, you may not bear upon it. (Photograph credit: sam741002, Depositphotos.com)
five. You're and so skinny. Or short. Or alpine. Or whatever.
Why: People know what they look like. They know that they're very skinny or take another noticeable feature. Someone'southward appearance may seem unusual to you, but it's non unusual to them. Not but is it just an obvious fact, but yous could likewise make the person feel similar a freak just for being unique! When it comes to a person's weight, yous never know if that person is struggling with an eating disorder or medical condition. You lot might find that attribute appealing but pointing it out sounds…weird.
What to say instead: Nothing.
People come up in different shapes and sizes — and you lot don't need to point it out (Photograph credit: Kostudio, Depositphotos.com)
6. Do you play basketball? (To a very tall person)
Why: I had a boyfriend once who was half dozen'10". Everywhere nosotros went, someone would exclaim to him, "You lot're and then alpine! Practice y'all play (professional person) basketball?" I wasn't the one being asked, and I only dated him for a few months, but this line of questioning got tedious even for me. Just because someone'due south trunk is built a certain way, it does not hateful that person has a natural talent or interest in a specific sport. As well, if the person does not play basketball game, then this question implies there is something deficient with them simply for non having that skill.
What to say instead: Nothing.
Not all alpine people play basketball (Photograph credit: XiXinXing, Depositphotos.com)
7. How former are you?
Why: Really, everyone should know meliorate than to ask an adult their age, unless y'all're their doctor or bartender. While nosotros're on the bailiwick, it drives me CRAZY when someone (normally a young human being) asks for my I.D. when I'm buying an alcoholic drink and so he makes a joke about me looking 21, which is plainly not the case. They desire me to observe this flattering, merely I detect information technology patronizing. I get it. I'chiliad onetime.
What to say instead: "What year did you graduate high schoolhouse?" Or, ahem, null.
Only ask an adult'due south age if you lot're a bartender or a doctor (Photograph credit: Sepy, Depositphotos.com)
8. When are you due?
Why: Near anybody has made this mistake at some point: asked a adult female who is not pregnant when her baby is due. Some women have a abdomen that might be mistaken for a baby bump. I of my old coworkers was asked this question a few months later she had given nascency. She replied, "Four months ago. My babe's with her dad over there." Or, a woman might exist wearing a shirt that looks like maternity clothing. In any case, it will make the woman you asked feel terrible and cause your skin to burn with embarrassment. Almost worse, the woman may exist pregnant merely not set to tell anyone yet.
What to say instead: Fifty-fifty if the adult female looks like she's 11 months pregnant, say NOTHING.
Don't ask a woman if she is meaning. Ever. (Photo credit: vadimphoto1@gmail.com, Depositphotos.com)
ix. Smile! (Or, fifty-fifty worse, you lot'd await prettier if you lot smiled!)
Why: Men tell women to grin every bit a form of control. Women practice not exist to look pretty and happy for men. She may take only gotten some horrible news or may be feeling ill. This is the ultimate condescending man move.
What to say instead: Nothing.
Hey guys – don't tell women to grinning! (Photo credit: TatyanaGl, Depositphotos.com)
What Not to Say About Marriage and Relationships
10. When will y'all kickoff trying (to have kids)?
Why: This question opens the door to someone else's bedroom. Their sex life is none of your business organization.
What to say instead: Aught. Just. Don't.
Other people'south sexual activity lives are none of your business (Photograph credit: Maridav, Depositphotos.com)
eleven. Is this your first spousal relationship?
Why: It implies that there's something wrong with getting married at a specific historic period, or worse, that at that place is something scarce nearly the person who's getting married later in life. Plus, it takes abroad from the specialness of the new engagement or marriage. The focus should exist on the current honey of that person'southward life, not a past partner.
What to say instead: "Congratulations on your upcoming (or recent) wedding ceremony!"
Celebrate the happy couple (Photo credit: Kryzhov, Depositphotos.com)
12. How did you not know? (About a adulterous or gay partner)
Why: This person is dealing with a traumatic life consequence. What they need is support, non blame. This question suggests the person is foolish for not seeing clues or warning signs.
What to say instead: "It's so difficult to discover something like this. Do you want to talk almost information technology?"
Learning a secret about a romantic partner is difficult plenty without arraign from others (Photo credit: Wavebreakmedia, Depositphotos.com)
13. Are you going to convert?
Why: I was raised Christian and when my Jewish hubby and I first got engaged, many of his friends asked me if I was planning to convert to his religion. (Strangely, no ane ever asked him this aforementioned question. I'1000 non sure if that'southward due to sexism or cultural expectation.) In whatever case, I found this highly abrasive. One's religion is a very personal choice. If a person wants to convert to some other organized religion, so they'll let you know when they're ready.
What to say instead: "Congratulations on your date (or spousal relationship)!"
Couples with unlike religious backgrounds don't demand force per unit area from outsiders to convert (Photo credit: photovs, Depositphotos.com)
fourteen. Who is the man or woman in your relationship?
Why: Oh, this question is such an irritating example of straight people trying to put gay people into a direct box. Masculinity and femininity exist on a spectrum.
What to say instead: "Tell me more about your partner."
Gay people don't necessarily fit into hetero-norms (Photo credit: oneinchpunch, Depositphotos.com)
What Non Say During an Argument
fourteen. At-home down!
Why: It never works. Telling someone to calm downwardly is a sure way to transport their agitation to a whole new level.
What to say instead: "I sympathize that you're very upset about Ten. What tin I do to help?"
Telling someone to at-home down usually has the opposite outcome (Photo credit: SolidPhotos, Depositphotos.com)
15. I'one thousand deplorable yous feel that way.
Why: This is condescension wrapped up like an apology. You're not sorry that y'all did something wrong. Rather, you're upset that the other person is silly enough to be offended.
What to say instead: "I'm sorry that I did X. That was wrong of me considering Y. Side by side time, I'll exercise Z instead."
Don't give fake apologies (Photo credit: monkeybusiness, Depositphotos.com)
What Not to Say About Parenthood
xvi. Why don't you lot accept children?
Why: If kids were desired, so this may be a painful topic. Some people don't notice the right partner, or they have experienced fertility issues, and they probably don't want to hash out such things with a stranger or casual acquaintance. On the other paw, if the person has called not to have children, then they could feel judged by your question and no i likes feeling judged! Some people don't want to have kids, and that's a perfectly valid choice.
What to say instead: "Do you take any siblings or nieces and nephews?"
Other people's fertility journeying and choices are private issues (Photo credit: Wavebreakmedia, Depositphotos.com)
17. Were you hoping for a male child (or girl)?
Why: This question is typically asked of parents who already take ane or more than child of the opposite sex. It implies that the kid they got is not the i they wanted. Worse even so is, "Aww! You lot didn't get your girl (or male child)!"
What to say instead: "Congratulations on the new addition to your family!"
A infant is a approving, no thing its gender (Photograph credit: Kzenon, Depositphotos.com)
xviii. You sure take your hands full!
Why: This is something people unremarkably say to a parent every bit they struggle to accomplish some task or calm a kid in public. Information technology's not helpful and it sounds judgmental. Plus, when someone's easily are total, the last thing they need is to brand chitchat with some onlooker.
What to say instead: "Can I open that door for you?" Or, nothing.
This dad's easily are full. And he knows it. You don't need to tell him. (Photo credit: svitlana10, Depositphotos.com)
19. Are your twins identical?
Why: This one is probably alright to enquire of parents with children who are the same gender. Only a male child and a girl cannot be genetically identical for obvious reasons. As well, this question implies that identical siblings are superior to fraternal multiples. This is often punctuated by the noticeably disappointed response of the asker.
What to practice instead: Notice whether the children are the same gender before making this imitation pas (not that people demand to apparel their kids according to sexual activity!). Exist sure to exclaim joy at the response, either mode.
Umm…boys and girls CANNOT be identical! (Photograph credit: katrinaelena, Depositphotos.com)
20. Are your triplets natural? (Or did you conceive your multiples naturally?)
Why: This question suggests that using fertility treatments or IVF creates "unnatural" children. It'southward as well none of your business how anyone conceived their children.
What to say instead: "Do multiples run in your family?" Better yet, say nothing.
Triplets are a miracle regardless of how they were conceived! (Photo credit: Pirotehnik, Depositphotos.com)
What Not to Say Nigh Adoption
21. Have you ever met your real mom or dad?
Why: I of my best friends is adopted. People often refer to the parents who raised her every bit her "adoptive" parents and her birth parents as her "real" parents. Her mom and dad raised her. As an adult, she has developed a relationship with her birth mother and birth father. She never, e'er refers to her parents as her "adoptive" family. And none of her parents is more than "existent" than the others.
What to say instead: "Take y'all ever met your birth (or biological) parents?"
Adoptive families are existent families (Photograph credit: william87, Depositphotos.com)
22. Why did you adopt instead of having your own kids?
Why: Parents beloved their adopted children just as much every bit parents love their biological children, and so saying "your own" kids feels hurtful and ignorant. And over again, this digs into fertility issues that people may non exist comfortable discussing.
What to say instead: "Did you always know you wanted to adopt?" My married man and I had planned to adopt simply it never panned out for us. Therefore, I am always interested to hear people'due south adoption stories, if they're willing to share.
Adoption is a private matter (Photo credit: HayDmitriy, Depositphotos.com)
23. Are your adopted children existent siblings?
Why: This question implies that people who are not blood relatives are not truly family unit members. Family is based on dearest, not necessarily on blood relations.
What to say instead: "Your children are adorable!"
Siblings are siblings are siblings (Photo credit: svitlana10, Depositphotos.com)
What Non to Say most Education and Careers
24. Why didn't yous go to college?
Why: There are a myriad of reasons people cull non to become to college, and none of them is your concern. This question can make people experience like they're not measuring up to your standards, and that'southward non fair. Getting a higher degree is non the merely way to achieve success. In fact, only one in three American adults has a available's degree. As Matt Damon's grapheme said in Good Will Hunting, "Y'all dropped a hundred and fifty grand on a f**in' education you coulda got for a dollar fifty in late charges at the public library."
What to say instead: "Where did you grow up?"
College isn't the merely manner to get an education (Photo credit: vnstudio, Depositphotos.com)
25. How's your French (philosophy, history, poesy, etc.) caste working out for you?
Why: I am oft asked this question when people observe I majored in French in higher. It's always said with a laugh and the intention is clear: to allow me know they think my degree is stupid. Putting other people downwardly does cipher simply crusade hurting, even if you're "just joking." And, my French degree is actually working out quite nicely for me, merci beaucoup. As a professional writer my many years of reading, writing and speaking French has helped me to understand my own language much better. Plus, I spent a twelvemonth in France during college, which set me upward perfectly for my career as a travel blogger (fifty-fifty though there was no such line of piece of work when I graduated)!
What to say instead: "How did yous choose your major?"
A degree is a caste (Photo credit: belchonock, Depositphotos.com)
26. What do (or did) you really want to do?
Why: This question is sometimes asked of people with anarchistic career paths, those who have jobs that earn a lower income, or parents who put their careers on hold to raise their kids. It suggests that their career pick is the incorrect 1 and that they should exist doing something "meliorate." Money isn't everything, love.
What to say instead: Nothing.
Don't allow anyone judge your life choices (Photograph credit: michaeljung, Depositphotos.com)
27. What do yous exercise for a living?
Why: Americans are obsessed with other people's jobs. But this actually is a classist question. Nosotros're trying to put people into a box: white collar, blueish collar, educated, uneducated, rich, poor. This question places ourselves above or below that person. This is something that is rarely asked in many other countries.
What to say instead: "Have yous read any good books or watched any interesting movies lately? Where's the final place you lot traveled? What hobbies practice you lot like to do in your free fourth dimension?"
Talk almost hobbies, not jobs (Photo credit: diego_cervo, Depositphotos.com)
28. Can't anyone do your task?
Why: When people find out I'thou a travel blogger, they sometimes enquire me this question. I suppose information technology is truthful. Anyone tin can be a blogger. But the same is truthful of most careers. With some hard piece of work and talent — they just might reach success! People likewise enquire me how I make money equally a blogger, which I don't mind, but I know it bothers some of my cohorts. (Reply: advertising, sponsored campaigns, book sales, and affiliate links.)
What to say instead: "How did you lot get into that field?"
Hard piece of work and talent are required to achieve success in whatever field (Photograph credit: maximleshkovich, Depositphotos.com)
29. When are you going to retire?
Why: Request a person when they're going to retire suggest three things. 1) They're onetime. 2) They no longer have something valuable to offer the workforce. 3) They should accept enough money to cease working.
What to say instead: "Do y'all take whatever exciting plans on the horizon?"
Some people proceed to work because they desire to, not because they take to (Photo credit: NatashaFedorova, Depositphotos.com)
What Not to Say to Military Families
30. Accept you ever killed someone?
Why: PTSD is existent, people. Unless y'all are very shut to someone who has served in the military, this question is beyond inappropriate. Combat is non a video game or movie. Military service is not to be taken lightly, whether or not the service member has ever used their weapon.
What to say instead: "Thanks for your service!"
Thank armed services members for their service (Photo credit: scukrov, Depositphotos.com)
31. Aren't you agape your parent/spouse/child volition be shot?
Why: Yes, they are.
What to say instead: "You must exist so proud of your parent/spouse/child. I am so thankful to people like them, and to their family members like you!"
Military service is a cede for the whole family (Photo credit: ArturVerkhovetskiy, Depositphotos.com)
What Not to Say About Other Sensitive Topics
32. All lives matter.
Why: Of grade, all lives matter. Duh. Black people are Non proverb their lives affair more than anyone else'south. Otherwise, the phrase would be, "Blackness lives matter more than yours." Blackness lives matter is a pretty unobtrusive statement, actually. Every bit Comedian Michael Che said, "What the f*** is less than matters? Black lives exist. Can we say that? Is that controversial?"
What to say instead: "Black lives matter."
Black Lives Matter (Photo credit: creatista, Depositphotos.com)
33. I know y'all'll be fine.
Why: Whether they're experiencing a financial, health or mental crisis — people demand to experience supported and heard, not patronized. You lot don't have a crystal brawl, either. Yous don't know if everything will turn out alright. It may seem like a reassuring affair to say, simply it actually can make the person experience unsupported and stupid for worrying. When I had a cancer scare a few years ago, my well-intentioned friends and family kept telling me I'd exist fine and that made me feel then solitary in my worry.
What to say instead: "This is a really tough time for y'all. I know yous're worried. I'm here for you."
Telling people everything volition exist okay tin can feel dismissive and isolating (Photo credit: Syda_Productions, Depositphotos.com)
34. Information technology just wasn't meant to exist. You lot tin can always have another one.
Why: Well-pregnant friends say these things to people who have suffered a miscarriage. Instead of helping, though, these words can downplay the deep pain of this death.
What to say instead: "I'thousand then sorry for your loss. I'm hither for you."
Don't minimize the loss from miscarriage (Photo credit: monkeybusiness, Depositphotos.com)
35. They're in a better place now.
Why: The person who experienced the loss of a loved one may non share your thoughts virtually afterlife and could find this offensive. Additionally, grief is a sorrow caused by missing someone — not necessarily worrying about where that person is. If your friend got divorced, so you wouldn't say, "But now your ex is so much happier with someone new!"
What to say instead: "I wish I had the right words to say, but merely know that I care."
It'southward and then hard to know what to say when someone dies (Photo credit: Kzenon, Depositphotos.com)
Acquire More About What You Should and Should Not Say
As Maya Angelou said, when yous know better, you lot exercise better. Now you know meliorate!
This is past no means an all-encompassing listing of all the stupid things nosotros sometimes say to other people. For additional aid on what to say and what not to say, take a wait at the following resources.
Online Resource
- Respectful Means to Talk Nigh Adoption by HealthyChildren.org
- iv Things People Who Didn't Finish or Become to Higher Are Tired of Hearing by Skillcrush.com
- xx Things You lot Should Never Say to Someone in the Armed services by BestLifeOnline.com
- What to Say When Your Friend Has a Miscarriage by Female parent.ly
- Helping Someone Who is Grieving by HelpGuide.org
Helpful Books
- So You Want to Talk About Race by Ijeoma Oluo
- There is No Proficient Carte for This: What To Say and Do When Life Is Scary, Atrocious, and Unfair to People Yous Love by Emily McDowell
- How to Say It: Choice Words, Phrases, Sentences, and Paragraphs for Every Situation by Rosalie Maggio
- What Not to Say: A Compendium of the Worst Possible Things Yous Tin can Utter Aloud by Knock Knock
If you liked this story, then I bet you'll enjoy our quiz: Are You Rude? Notice How You Rank on the Politeness Calibration!
Relieve this List of Things Non to Say
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Should I Never Say Good to Know You
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